The Universe Thanks You

(With apologies for the hiatus!)

I was sitting with Jared today, out on the deck, as we talked about how difficulty times have been recently. Like just about everyone in America and, possibly, The World, life has been very uncertain, finances even less predictable and the future a foggy horizon. As Jared got stuck in the middle of the litany of all the things that were going awry in his life, most of which were, for certain, the direct result of his being in residential treatment for addiction.....again. His wife was unhappy, his daughter doing poorly in school, his sister, who was also his business partner, was terrified to run the business alone, a major business deal had fallen through just that morning and the quarter would not be a "winner," and so forth. The list went on and on. About the time all the misery had been enumerated, he launched into all the things he had to worry about: the stock market, the future of his childrens' education fun, his own recovery, whether his marriage would survive, if the pipes would freeze, etc., etc., etc.
About the time I was really needing something wise to say to redirect the conversation, a hand full of Canadian Geese flew gracefully, but noisily overhead and a wonderfully colored sweet gum leaf blew onto the table. My sardonic little smirk arose, as I asked, "Did you notice all the little 'Thank You' Notes?"
His puzzled look let me know he had not gotten my point. I explained, "Don't you see all the little 'Thank you' Notes? The geese, the leaves, the beautiful sunset, the swirling pattern in the clouds? They're all little thank you notes from your Higher Power, thanking you for worrying about how to make the universe work!"
Slowly, a smile came to his face.
The Universe Thanks You!

So many times in our hectic work days, we get so lost in the "things" we "must" do and get done. We worry about what will happen and how we will finish this and that, and so many things that will end up how ever they will end up regardless of what we do. I like the definition of worry as "ingratitude in advance." Like so many of us, when Jared was wrapped up in his worry, he was losing sleep, eating erratically, acting grumpy, and missing out on so much around him.
In my mind, somewhere the Creative Force that keeps this universe in such perfect balance (remember, a matter of one digit of degrees off its axis and the earth would both fry and freeze) is both chuckling and shaking its metaphorical head. I also imagine that, in an effort to get simple-minded folks like me to see how fruitless worry is, this same Force (God, Higher Power, Spirit, whatever) sends an amazing array of "Thank You's." They are everywhere -- the swirling clouds, the magical colors in the fall leaves or the spring flowers, a butterfly, the migrating ducks and geese, the sunrise or sunset, or a rainbow. All are little "thank you's" from the universe around us and reminders that worry is you and me trying to do things that humans can't do. Things like trying to change the future or change a mind or change the past. Things like staying awake to feel more rested or not eating to feel less hungry. Things like feeling unending shame about mistakes we cannot undo so we can feel better about ourselves. Things like leaving fourteen messages with someone who told us to leave them alone so they will call us back.
We cannot make flowers out of soil and water. We cannot (yet) calculate all the parts or any theories of relativity or quantum theory or whatever theory we will come up with next to explain things we can't yet explain. That is not our talent, nor is it our job. However, when we worry and do all these things, we live in a gracious universe. We live in a universe that uses frost to make peaches and tulips. We live in a universe that uses lightning to start forest fires so that forests can change and grow stronger.
Grace is mysterious. Likewise, mystery is all around us. Check it out next time you find yourself wrapped in worry -- look for the little "Thank You's." They will be there. Trust me. They will be all around.
The Universe Thanks You!

Just Do It

In his book The Last Lecture, Randy Pausch writes this:

“Coach Graham used to ride me hard. I remember one practice in particular. “You’re doing it all wrong, Pausch. Go back! Do it again!” I tried to do what he wanted. It wasn’t enough. “You owe me. Pausch! You’re doing push-ups after practice.

When I was finally dismissed, one of the assistant coaches came over to me to reassure me. “Coach Graham rode you pretty hard, didn’t he?” he said.

I could barely muster a “yeah.”

“That’s a good thing,” the assistant told me. “When you’re screwing up and nobody says anything that means they’ve given up on you.”

That lesson has stuck with me my whole life. When you see yourself doing something badly and nobody’s bothering to tell you anymore, that’s a bad place to be. You may not want to hear it, but your critics are often the ones telling you they still love you and care about you, and want to make you better.

There’s a lot of talk these days about giving children self-esteem. It’s not something you can give; it’s something they have to build. Coach Graham worked in a no-coddling zone. Self-esteem? He knew there was only one way to teach kids how to develop it: You have to give them something they can’t do, they work hard until they find they can do it, and you just keep repeating the process.

When Coach Graham first got hold of me, I was this wimpy kid with no skills, no physical strength, and no conditioning. But he made me realize that if I work hard enough, there will be things I can do tomorrow that I can’t do today. “

The Bumper Sticker: “Nike Therapy – Just Do It!”

As I read this, I thought of how it feels to watch the process of therapy. Many times, I know that I frustrate patients because I absolutely refuse to “just give them the answer.” I also know that some people feel that I am sometimes a bit too tough on some things and too vague on most things. These paragraphs, written by a man trying to leave a legacy as he faced death, summed up the whole purpose behind much of my motivation in my daily work.

I had a great mentor or Supervisor, who once asked me what I was doing when I made a particular intervention in therapy. When I replied, “I was just trying to help,” he quickly came back with “That’s the whole problem! If you try to help all your patients, they’ll never get better.” He went on to explain that my job in therapy was to observe the struggle in which the patient was caught, use the objective viewpoint I had to give them information they might not be able to see from where they were and to be a guide as they found their own answers. If I presumed to help them, I covertly and silently declared them incompetent and incapable.

If I always had the answers, I would teach them to be helpless, dependent and uncreative. If I supported them in the struggle, I allowed them to find something they have no idea they can solve or believe is impossible, conquer it and succeed where they thought they were not capable. Stumbling through this process, they become capable, competent, and strong.

Many days, I’m sure that those painful, difficult moments in therapy or any growth process leave us feeling as though those guiding us are being mean, cruel or just plain hard on you. Like Professor Pausch, I have had to learn to entertain the notion that this is an indication that they have not given up, rather than a message that they are being mean. Some treatment modalities, TV pop therapists and “coaching” techniques teach you all the answers in simple, rote answers that fit on flash cards that are “one-size-fits-all.” I’ve never found that to be particularly effective in the long term and the research I’ve read bears that out. In fact, I’ve found that people in therapy with me often flat out reject simple answers I give them . On top of that, they miraculously come back weeks or months later with nearly the exact same answer, as though it had come to them on a stone tablet while on a journey to some great mountain top!

Like Coach Graham, I do get a bit of satisfaction out of dishing out the extra struggle on occasion. I think that’s the double edged sword of being a therapist – I get to set up the struggle, so it looks like it’s my fault, then walk away and let the patient figure out with whom they are truly struggling. The answer is usually, “Myself.” However, that’s always just too easy because it’s often that “myself” that struggled with my mother or my father or my last significant other, spouse or lover! Sure, I could just say, “I think you’re treating me just like your father” and let them go home mad because I’m talking that Freudian stuff again. However, I’d end up giving that patient something to distract about, rather than the struggle that matters. They would go home mad at me for doing “that Freudian stuff” and not stay mad at the process with their father or boyfriend or roommate or whomever they were really in struggle with.

I really do know how maddening it is when I, like most therapists, don’t give answers, but add to the struggle and seem to make it harder. Like push-ups at the end of a hard, seemingly failed football practice, therapeutic challenges don’t make life any easier and don’t appear to give any answers. They do, however, keep the process going and, hopefully, teach my patients to do something they don’t yet know they can do or to figure out something they don’t yet know they can resolve.

The other important thing about these kind of struggles is that whatever answer that the patient comes up with belongs to them. It is theirs, not mine. If you are my patient and I provide the answer and it doesn’t work, you have to stay in therapy another year! (Not really, but for thought provoking purposes…) Well, at least, you have to fire me and spend weeks with your new therapist getting over how much of a bad therapist I was. However, if you come up with your own answer, it is yours to keep. I can’t take it back and, if it doesn’t work, it can be revised, revamped or recycled. It’s yours. You are free to do with it what you like. If it works, you can use it over and over again without royalty, penalty or tax. It is attached to nobody but you. You earned it, paid for it and own it in every sense of the word. Feel free to take it with you where ever you go.

Here’s the hitch: You have to do it. There’s the Nike part. Just get out there and struggle.

I rather like Coach Grahams Rule of Thumb: …” give them something they can’t do, they work hard until they find they can do it, and you just keep repeating the process.”

Bumper Sticker: Nike Therapy – “Just Do It”

(Thanks Nike Company!)

What COULD you do if you never cared if you won?